Posted by: Reginald Cyntje | December 7, 2009

I Love You

Do you remember the first time I said I love you? I remember…the feeling came over me and the only words I could use were those three to sum up how I felt. It was new, fresh and without history. I felt happy, invisible and sure that this was forever…

Our hearts were one. They synchronize. I enjoyed all of you and you me. What happened? Why did we lose our magic? Was there ever really magic?

We made mistakes that wore on our relationship. Years passed and here we are talking about the imperfections. Like America, our relationship is filled with distractions that keep us away from the truth. We are so consumed with more that we never nurture what we have.

Aren’t we suppose to be a well oiled machine? At this time can’t we live the dream? It seems that we are always pursuing happiness and never experiencing it. Will we ever get our house in order?

I believe in love. I thought we had unconditional love but the reality…we are human. Maybe we are not suppose to fall out of love at the same time? Maybe we are to believe that at the end of this conflict we will be stronger? As time passes, I don’t feel the same. I think our love should be stronger. Shouldn’t it?

Am I caught up with the fantasy of love? The politics of love? Does “I love you” mean how much I can put up with you? Does it mean a true understanding of your spirit? Does it represent an unexplainable expression?

I’ve always wanted to reach that level where I know we will have great conversation in our old age. You…my best friend and I yours. A special connection that is created from our journey. Maybe it is not the life challenges that we experience but our reaction to them.

Are we seeking the impossible or at the point of discovering what our elders know? Are we discovering true love? Do I love you? Do you love me? Can we really be…together?

Many relationships go through changes but I guess the point is to make each of us stronger. Love takes time. Like anything great it takes work.

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Responses

  1. I want to sincerely encourage you in the relationship with your wife. I am sure you both love each other very much. But building a home takes a plan. Here are some of my views about love and home building. Maybe it can help you both find peace in each others arms 🙂

    Romantic love is simply a chemical reaction necessary for the production of human capital through sex. It can be induced easily these days by the pill Ecstasy. The English language limits our understanding of love because we only have one word where the Greeks for example have four. Eros-romantic, Philos-friendly/brotherly, Storge-family, and Agape-unconditional.

    I believe the sticky part that folks have a problem with is how we communicate and believe love should look like. We assume everyones idea of love is the same, because we all feel romantic. But feelings dont always transition well into concrete action. Our own personal culture is the prism we shine universal emotions through. Its like eating, we all get hungry but we all have a different way of feeding ourselves and different tastes. Some folks think chittlings is the best food in the entire world, I think they are nasty, whose right ? We both are. How real love should be played out in a relationship can be that different. But because of sex and emotions we don’t take the time to see if outside the bedroom a person is cooking chittlins or rib eye steak. I have learned this the hard way with my ex-husband. Our view of the word home was very different. For me home, was a mother staying home with her kids, to him home was two highly ambitious career oriented people who let a nanny raise the kids. However, we never discussed these things because the sex was too good. Who wants to talk about values, goals, finances and other mundane crap that really is the meat of a relationship, when you can be having orgasms all day long, lol.

    I can say once the hormones died down I really had to think of what love for me was and how I wanted to be loved. 10 year old kids say they love each other and probably mean it, but what do they know of the challenges that come with life ? When I was 19, love meant spending every waking moment together. Now that I am older and been through some storms, for me love is brutal honesty and sincere loyalty.I used to just brush it under the carpet when my ex-husband was evasive. But as time went on it became clear he with held vital information that forced me to make unwise life decisions. For me there can be no love without openness and truth. But there are those who haven’t been hurt in that way and just see evasiveness as a sign of insecurity. I guess also being a historian I know the power of manipulating and concealing facts to imprison people’s mind.

    I also believe transparency and openness in a relationship builds intimacy and helps you set realistic expectations. All my best friends are people who have told me they are jerks and they know I am a jerk, so we don’t flip out or get upset when have arguments, because we know at the end of the day when a crisis arises we can’t call on those folks who have said we are the best thing since slice bread and we won’t get weary in the midst of a fight, because we don’t get weary when fighting each other,lol. (Sort of like Jay-z and Nas.)

    But everyone has different standards based on their background and lifestyle. Like if you are going to be friends with an ambitious Washingtonian you can pretty much expect them to be abrasive. The area is a shark pit. However, Midwestern and Southern people are very different. If a person is non-confrontational Midwesterner, you probably won’t dig the love a Washingtonian. Miles Davis talked about this in his Autobiography, some people click better than others because they have a common upbringing.

    The key also with realistic expectations is when you are dealing with a public figure or television images of a the “perfect” spouse. Like for example, no woman should expect a man to speak sonnets and poems to her EVERYDAY. And a man shouldn’t expect that his wife who has bore him 5 kids is going to look like a Victoria Secret Model.

    When it comes to public figures, alot of women for example who marry artists, politicians, athletes, ministers, can’t accept that no matter how sensitive and eloquent that man is on stage, he is a human being. As a pastor’s kid I had to do that myself. My father was great in the pulpit delivering powerful messages but he wasn’t always under the anointing at home. He was a flawed man dealing with demons, who still understood he had a call on his life. I had to decide to seek God for myself and take ownership of my own spiritual life.

    And to me that is another reason why relationships burn out, people are expecting to find all their love and fulfillment from one person. When a person tells you they love you, don’t expect them to complete you and then think they don’t love you because they can’t complete you. Some needs a person has are supposed to be fulfilled through community or only by God. A person needs to get quiet and figure out what are the bare minimums in a relationship they need to be content.

    So I would suggest to you if you want reconcile your relationship with this person you have to have a plan. There are some things that wont change about that person. You have to decide if this is a situation where you are throwing the baby out with the bath water or there is simply no hope because your concept of love is VERY different and they have no desire to change. I actually had to do this with my mother. She isn’t the kind of person to pick up the phone and call to see how folks are doing. We rarely spend time together no matter how much I ask her to do so. It’s a little sad to see other women have their mothers as best friends but my mother isn’t that type of person with anybody. However, I can depend on my mother for any of the physical and educational needs of my childern. She is the best grandmother in the world. So I have chosen to focus on the good we do have in our relationship and give energy to that. I don’t focus on what she is not, I focus on what she is and I am appreciative of that. Still I have needs so I have to look fulfill them elsewhere, so I am not resentful for what I think she should supply.


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